Staying Married Even When You're Unfulfilled and Longing for More
On the one hand, you feel like you can't bear the emotional distance any longer and fantasize about leaving. On the other hand, you don't want to leave the marriage for many complex reasons.
I couldn’t hold back my feelings anymore, and with a lump in my throat, I asked him, “Do you think we’ll make it?”
My husband paused and looked at me quizzically.
We were out for a date night at Sushi Ran in Sausalito, California.
Our kids were 5 and 7.
I added, “You know, like, do you think we’ll stay married? Because sometimes, I worry we won’t make it.”
He didn’t miss a beat and said, “I think we will make it. We’re in a rough patch. We have young kids, and we’re in the thick of it.”
I know he was trying to be supportive, and you might think this was a loving thing to say.
But I cried. And cried. And cried.
(Which was very out of character for me.)
I’d been suffering alone with a deep sense of unhappiness that I couldn’t shake.
What I needed was for him to see how terrified, alone, and miserable I felt.
I needed him to acknowledge my pain and take it as seriously as it felt for me.
But he didn’t. Which left me feeling even more alone than ever.
I “should” be happy
We had a good life…
My husband was a good guy, an excellent provider, and an involved dad who cared deeply about me.
We worked well together in the practical matters of life and shared many values.
We didn’t fight much and navigated parenting and life challenges similarly.
We even had good conversations.
We lived in a beautiful home, had nice cars, and traveled to great places.
From the outside in, my life looked enviable.
So, why was I so unhappy?
On the brink of divorce
Over the next year, I would tell him what I wanted more of—romance, deep conversations, proactive help around the house…
…but no matter what he did, I wasn’t satisfied.
And I was sure we were headed for divorce.
We were the blind leading the blind.
Neither of us knew what to do to repair this marriage.
I regularly suggested therapy. He regularly said, “Now’s not a good time, but we will.”
He wouldn’t or couldn’t do what I thought he needed to do for me to be happy.
Stay or Go?
Eventually (and fortunately), we hit a crisis point that forced us into couples therapy.
When we entered therapy, I was angry, resentful, and filled with blame.
I fantasized about leaving—the place I would move to, how I would decorate it, and how I would feel.
But we had young kids, and I took that responsibility very seriously. They were my top priority.
I needed to ensure I had done everything possible to save this marriage before deciding to leave.
I didn’t want to miss out on precious moments with my kids and didn’t want them to miss out on having both of us in their lives full-time.
My heart ached when I thought about not being there to read to and snuggle them each night.
My heart also ached because something was missing, and I didn’t know how to feel better.
I didn’t feel emotionally connected to my husband.
I didn’t have any idea HOW to repair our marriage.
And I was frustrated and defeated.
But I didn’t want to leave.
And I refused to settle for a “good enough” marriage.
It started with me
Our therapist used a rather unconventional method for couple’s work where she worked with one of us while the other observed.
Eventually, I learned that my relationship with myself was the most important relationship and was the foundation upon which my marriage was built.
And it soon became apparent that I didn’t have a good relationship with myself.
I was cut off from my feelings, had unhealed trauma, treated myself poorly, and didn’t love myself.
How could I connect deeply in my marriage when I felt so utterly disconnected from myself?
I had lived most of my life in my head and was being called to take the journey to my heart.
And to become the emotionally and spiritually whole and mature woman I was meant to be.
In retrospect, I see that what I longed for most was a relationship with myself.
What was missing was my connection to ME: my feelings, needs, fears, and desires.
Yes, of course, I wanted a deeper connection with my husband. But without a relationship with myself, anything we built would be on a shaky foundation.
He did it his way
I will forever be grateful that my husband and I finally went to therapy.
But the reality is that he wasn’t entirely on board. Most of the time I felt like he thought I was the broken one and he was fine. I would read, journal, take courses, meditate, go to extra therapy, and try so hard to fix our marriage.
He would say that he does his inner work, just in a different way.
For a long time, I didn’t believe it.
But the truth is, we’ve both come a long way. Each in our own way.
We’ve been married for almost 22 years now, and our marriage has been, hands down, the best catalyst for my personal growth, healing, and spiritual awakening.
And we’re happier than ever. Individually and together.
In full transparency, my marriage continues to be my greatest source of growth and healing. I’m proud of what we’ve created together. I’m proud that I’ve reclaimed freedom, fun, and fulfillment within the container of “married with kids.”
And I’m also proud that we’re continually growing, healing, and evolving together.
What “Staying Married” is About
While ELATE is the name of my Substack, I’ll be writing on five different topics, one of which is “Staying Married.”
I hope to be an inspiration for married moms who are feeling similar feelings:
On the one hand, you feel like you can't bear the emotional distance any longer and fantasize about leaving.
On the other hand, you don't want to leave the marriage for many complex reasons.
And you also don’t want to settle for “meh.”
Time is running out, and you want more. You refuse to live the rest of your life in a dull, boring, and unfulfilling marriage.
You’re ready to take charge of your life, reclaim yourself and your own happiness, and ensure that your marriage is built on a foundation of self-love, self-trust, and inner safety.
What You Can Expect
Together, we’ll explore the edges of what’s possible when we marry ourselves first, allowing that to serve as the foundation for all other relationships.
We’ll explore the edges of the conditioning we’ve received that keeps us from experiencing freedom and fulfillment within the container of “married with kids.”
And perhaps you’ll learn a few things from me that will get you more of what you want more quickly than I did ;)
Be sure to subscribe to receive my articles in your inbox!
And if you want to learn a bit more about my take on marriage and healing, you may enjoy this podcast episode here on Substack with
:
Oh I’m glad I’ve found you! Together for 32 years I’ve definitely had these feelings!